Knowing What to Say when Something Doesn’t Feel Right

I was recently coaching a 20-year-old who was navigating a breakup.

As we unpacked the relationship, she reflected, “I wish I had stood up for myself a bit more… but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to say.”

This is something I hear all the time.

It’s not that young people don’t have feelings. It’s not that they don’t know something is wrong. It’s that in the moment — when emotions are high and relationships matter — they don’t have the language or structure to express themselves clearly.

So I taught her a simple tool called making a DEAL, adapted from DBT:

D — Describe the facts

Stick to what actually happened, without exaggeration or blame.

“When you cancelled our plans at the last minute…”

E — Express how it made you feel

Name the emotion. This builds understanding instead of defensiveness.

“…I felt hurt and unimportant.”

A — Assert what you want

Be clear. Not vague. Not apologetic.

“I need more notice if plans change.”

L — List the advantages

Explain why this matters for the relationship.

“It helps me feel respected, and we enjoy our time together more.”

This simple structure has helped countless of my students to navigate conflict with confidence and build healthier relationships. 

Because assertiveness isn’t about being confrontational — it’s about being clear, respectful, and self-valuing.

For more practical tools on Relationships, Love, and Breakups, check out my book

https://www.adelejohnston.com/book